Second hand shadow

I know we pick things up from everyone we meet and no one is ever "truly themselves". We're all made up of parts of the people we meet and think about. We pick up their traits and they ours. But I can instantly look at something I've done and see all the people who I've met who influence that action, I'm constantly looking around and away like I don't want to be there and if I stare into a persons eyes for more than a few seconds, they instantly know I'm lying and this isn't someone I really am.

It's strange. I never feel myself, i react to things and people as how I feel I should react, not how I do (This is because I don't know how to react or at least do it convincingly without sounding insincere, sarcastic or demeaning which is a surprisingly hard feat I must admit or this is because I simply do not care enough about the proposed subject). I react with happiness and I can formulate a lie based on rationality making it strangely convincing, sadness I react with "wow, damn. That's rough" separated by long pauses which come across as "This is really shocking" Wheras it's more "How long a pause is too long a pause before it's assumed I've made my point?" I know the general opinion on that is hugely negative and begs the question "How can I tell when you're being genuine?" Well, people just can I guess. They can negate the possibility and read my language in a different way or maybe I word it differently in some recess of my mind whose sole purpose is forming genuine emotional responses...

I dunno. I'm weird I guess.

I always know when I'm acting out a trait I've picked up from someone else and so by default I kinda know when I'm being me. Worst part, I fucking hate being both.