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Tonight is the first night I feel terrible
Do you guys believe in signs and coincidences or is there something that guides us, even if it's ourselves? We get a thought in our heads and connect it to an object, or person or event and until we complete the idea or see the person, we can't have what we want. 

because I may start believing in that, to some small extent anyway. Let me explain; A few days ago I began just thinking about random shit while I was out with my friend just hanging out and I realised I hadn't seen my dad in like a month and just began thinking of that and that I should go see him that night. I wasn't able to because I was out with my friends. Anyway, got to that night and he text me about how he hadn't seen me in ages and just asking how I was etc. The next day I lost the ring my dad gave me and my mind just kind of exploded with this paranoia or some sign kinda stuff about how it was a sign I should go see him and talk to him more. I remember thinking that if I went and saw him and the ring showed up I was gonna flip out. Well yeah, I waited a few days to see if the ring would turn up and I checked everywhere. I think it was Wednesday when I finally went and seen my dad, had dinner, caught up and hung out for a while and then Thursday afternoon my ring showed up in the pockets of my jeans. 

So that's where my mind's at. It's not the first time it's happened, I've had necklaces break that people have given me and then the friendships have ended or I've stopped caring about people when a bracelet's been broken. Dunno where my mind's been at lately, between addictions and fantasy and other crap I just don't know. Life eh?
  • Listening to: The Heavy - 16
I want to set my hair alight; is that weird?
 -Yes, like you even have to ask 
Well why?
 -Why what? Why is it weird or why do you want to set your hair alight?
Both I guess
 -Pick one and proceed, we don't have too much time. You already kept me awake 'til nearly 3am
Sorry, why is it weird?
 -You already know the answer to that
Yeah I guess, just wanted a second opinion I guess
 -You're talking to yourself, how many other opinions do you think you have?
I'm usually good at defeating my own arguments
 -Stop being the poet; 
I'm trying. Can I ask the other question then?
 -Sorry kiddo, one question and you wasted it
Recorded at 2:43am

I keep forgetting how to ask myself easy questions like, why? Who reads and who listens to the beat without grasping anything. Click-two-three-four, Click-two-three-four, Click-Click-Click. (I never could count in time)

if I could be an incalculably small fraction of the human being you are, I'll die the happiest person in the world. I really love you and I hope you know it because I will probably never tell you and that breaks my goddamn heart everyday

I actually enjoy depression (or whatever this is called; self reflection, emotional masochism, boredom) sometimes anyway. It gives me a little time to just relax, put on a slow song, relax and not be questioned (or maybe that's because it's 3am and no one else is awake) 

If I could be anything that you ever are, the self-less person that you are, hell I'm even glad to be a part of this; I just hope I don't fuck it up and disappoint you. I hope I can tell you that one day. I never did believe in god, but I'm happy you do. Guess I take some comfort in believing that life isn't just a test. (I should get a medal for quoting and remembering silly things. Hey, remember the time you spelled "medal" as "meddle". With you here I'm surprised I forget anything) 

I like to dream about where you are in the world, what you're doing and who you hang about with when you're too busy with work. Who do you think of when you first wake up? What little thoughts trickle through you in that sleep filled phase of waking to up somewhere that feels a little different than when you left it to place you head in the stars. Too much noise, slightly too warm, a little too cold. 

Guess that's enough for tonight. 
I'm convinced that by some emotional response that I blank out within your existence. Tonight I won't remember the glances, the paranoid, destructive eye line stares we catch each other in; tonight I won't remember anything.
Sometimes I sit and stare at the sun just to know that in a grand scheme, I mean nothing and if I mean nothing, that means you are even less to me

Darkness tangles with devils and abbeys to convince me of a sweet epiphany that I am not happy in my being

How many hours have have passed since we last had a passing memorial dream that we, somewhere, somehow, could have something more than a radical dream of a friend lost in his heart and a maniac spiraling through a masochists dream.

You came out with a better sense of what you are; the devils and darkness I left you in formed a beautiful nightmare that I stopped caring for. You were the worst mistake I have ever made.

I wonder how many chances I could have had if you never existed; if I was never broken and never quite realised who or what I could be, what would I be now?

Sometimes I sit and dream. I sit and stare at the stars of my mind and listen to space explode; there are an infinite number of possibilities that I could be, but I guess I'll settle for being a supernova. If I can't cut you out, maybe I'll cut me out instead.

Sometimes I drive nails into my mind. Sometimes I let the blood drip onto pages.
This is such an amazing song that I couldn't not share it. I need my Girl - The National…
Just had a small eye opener as to who I am and the persona I push forward. It's undignified, evil, corrosive and destructive. I'm everything I fucking hate and yet I still succumb to being and existing as this monster. It's, it's just a facade to cover... Cover what I am.  Just some stupid, broken, fuck who can't control his life, his emotion and on occasion, just feels kike dying. Outwardly, I'm... So different. So corrosive and attention seeking it borders on painful and destructive. I've never done anything for another person, in my life. Not a single fucking thing in 21 years of living. It's always done just to satisfy my own self worth and it doesnt even do that anymore. All my pleasure in life lasts for no more than a few seconds then the buzz is gone, replaced by a sickening feeling that nothing ever lasts and everything is just superficial existence.

I wonder if people really are who they say they are, if they themselves adapt to please other people too. Am I a subject of that? Do I change people into being these things? These monsters? Is anyone I've ever met, just the way they are because of me? Do I cause this?

I of coursw have no idea. I may just be being superficial and arrogant thinking I could be the centre of so many peoples little tiny worlds. Of course I'm not. I'm on the sidelines, the subs bench and amongst the endless sea of people who are seen as one.

I see myself in the mirror each day and I fucking hate who I see. I hate what I put forward and I hate the monster that hides below the silken words and compliments I spew forward with smiles and kisses each day. I hate who I am. It corrodes and destroys me everyday. How could I become this?

I feel like throwing up. Leeching this devil out through bile and stomach lining. 

I don't dance with the devil, the devil dances with me

Goodnight all.
I think everybody should take a listen to this song.… Honestly it's a rap song but it's by a guy on Youtube who raps about Games, like Bioshock Infinite, DmC, Call of Duty etc etc, the list goes on and they're all amazing. However this is something new and incredible, it's more than just a rap about the Game Civilisation, it's about Civilisation. Even if you hate rap music, take a listen, it's amazing. The words, flow, rhythm and the backing tune is so incredibly fitting. True Genius.
I need a change, to dissolve and evolve into something different. Be different. Though the devil never changes and the vulture never ceases to fly. Crows are cawing, begging for blood and maggots. My time is at an end, with the buzzards on the branches, waiting; waiting for my feet to crumble with the dust. They'll eat their fill of sin and evils and soon I'll be new. Fire from the gods, will evolve me in the night. I'll be new.

Some thoughts for tonight.
This is the most beautiful version of this song I have ever heard, I am absolutely entranced by this. This is Be Quiet and Drive (Far Away) Deftones Cover by Natalie Lungley… I am genuinely in love with this song
I had to share this, because it's bloody brilliant. The worst attempt at parallel parking… EVER.
Putting forward the ideals of yourself can ultimately lead to the destruction of something beautiful, even if its not our own reality we're destroying. Our ideals and view points in the confines of our lives and homes are just opinions, but challenged or even discussed outside of such a neutral environment they can become hostile, caustic and poisonous.

My point here ultimately is, what says more about us whether we stand up and make our ideals shown or what we're willing to hide and conceal for someone, or something else?
I'm on fucking fire with everything. Death, decay, anarchy, betrayal, love, longing, hope and remembrance
I cant sleep. I'm running on everything. It''s insanity. Thinking everything simultaneously.
Clicks, howls, broken boards and emptiness make me smash it all to pieces
Nights like this make me believe there's a god
And how much of a sadistic cunt he is.

My mind makes me think and make strange connections. Anger coupled with an ability to say 'Fuck it' results in a karma like punishment for so called Sloth. Nighttime strikes a bell and wakes me from the necessary slumber I desire. No reason wakes me, more fear. At least I think it's fear. That feeling you get that almost sends you to cold sweats as your mind separates a non existent dream from reality. That feeling.
Set that to a drum beat and make it race your mind for rationality. I wonder what normal people think about when they wake at uneven hours, or maybe that thought alone makes me abnormal.
There's no reason to be awake, I could just about sleep in the first place. For the first time in months I had to use light and sound to make me sleep. Music seems to cure all my issues or at least subdue them into a stupor that allows me to think clearly. Then there's the polar reversal in which I write. It blends into emotion, passion where I notice a line or sound differently. It's played or sung with passion, the soundtrack to another escape (to paraphrase the In Flames album). It's this reality that allows me to write, but I think I'm on a different train so I must depart.

Ah yes, sleeping when no sleep is to be found.

I don't know if it's always there, or just when I'm agitated and need sleep in silence more than anything that I notice the near constant (and uneven) clicking of the heating timer below me. I notice it sometimes and it stops fairly quickly, but not now. Now, it's constant, it feels like hours when each second clicks, ticks and tocks away. It's not long before it drives me crazy and my mind starts setting the house on fire with matches and kerosene. It can all burn for all I care, provided it just stops. A brief moment of 'sleep' fills seconds of the hours that don't exist with the imagined beauty of it smashing to pieces under a hammers repeated might.

The ticking turns to screaming, I don't know how, who or why, but it feels like me. Screaming inside for it stop. 'Insulation should be used in areas of loud continuous noises such as highways or near loud equipment..' A quick phrase from my latest Health and Safety Assignment regarding Hazard Identification is sped through my mind attached to logical deductions and ideas so I move myself to the other side of my bed making sure to use the same side of the pillow and duvet (Despite the fact that my room is fairly warm, not uncomfortable but higher than average) to conserve heat. Somehow here the clicking's louder. The bed's not as comfortable either so back I go to the loop of insanity.

I always sleep in the same way, facing the wall, arm under my head and all bunched up. Apparently this means I'm stressed, I don't see it or trust the internet. Hell if I trusted the internet I'd be a bi-polar paranoid sociopath with OCD and multiple other disorders never mind diseases. Although I'm in the same position, same duvet, same pillows, I feel different. Smaller, looser; unwrapped and raw. Alone I guess. This bed feels strange, bigger, while I'm getting smaller. I feel I need someone here with me, just to be beside me. To hold. Dream together, wake together knowing your dreams will never compare to the morning.

I'm smiling knowing that'll never be the case but it's fun to dream.

Somehow during all this I never reflected on the fact music could make sleep come easier, or maybe I did and concluded that since my phone charger was acting up the satisfaction of definitely getting a full battery charge for tomorrow outweighed the sleep risk. Whichever of those seems most logical. You decide since I can't separate false memories from real thoughts anymore.

2:30am. Wake up in 210 minutes.

A lot goes unexplained when you forget spontaneous thoughts so I apologise. But now I must sleep, once again I have another early start.

Goodnight all.
Wondering how crazy I am. I'm quite a quiet person, I almost detest social interaction on a cellular level and I'll be the one who barely contributes to conversation unless I know you incredibly well...If I am engaged in any form of social interaction outside of that, it freaks me out. I become terrified simply talking to people. Hell, not even talking to people. I offered a girl on the bus to college a seat this morning and in the two seconds that took, I went from calm to nearly hyperventilating, my throat felt like it had closed and my heart rate doubled. In mere seconds.

Am I crazy? If that little a gesture can do that much, literally tap on the shoulder and gesture towards the seat, what..what the hell is that?
Sometimes I hate being at home. My home life isnt bad, I just..prefer being away. Its strange, I love being alone, or maybe I just hate being with certain people. I like quiet, my own space, my thoughts and when its interupted by 'Will you do this? Will you do that? Ive had enough, **** off. (Ive also developed a strangeness to swearing over the past 6 months)
Maybe Ive finally stopped giving a shit, but I just want everything to go away, I feel like its just better to be nothing, nothing special, nothing important, nothing great. Footprints to be washed away, chalklines to be erased.
I'm a complete wreck of a person. I have this exterior is selfishness and uncaring, joking, SOMETHING, that I put up because I can. It's a defence mechanism to blend it. I don't have a structure in life, nothing feels right and I just want to sleep, never wake up again because dreams are..dreams are everything I;m not, everything I want to be. I can do what I want, I have my down days as everyone does but...there's always something better in a dream, having life as we want it, being lost i perfection, perceiving and creating something that's right, how life should be.

I was going to write something earlier about dreamers, probably about the 8th thing I've wrote on the subject, but this was going to be more about an origin, where it comes from and things, but I promptly forgot the starting line a few seonds after I came up with it and that was the end of that. If I ever remember it, I'll write and post it but don't count on it.

I cut and I break, I destroy and mould and hate and rot everything away. But it's never the same, I'm not the same person with everyone I meet or interact with, I can change in seconds from being nice and kind and funny, then I just change and I start hating and loathing. I don't know, how, why or to what end.

I'm sorry. I keep being let in and...and it all goes to hell again. I'll never know why I leave, It will always be a part of me though, maybe there's someone somewhere who..who can change me for good. Let me leave this devil down.……

These are two songs I love from Hollywood Undead. They just have a way of always writing something truly amazing.
'Nobody can fix me if I'm part of the problem' - Believe, Hollywood Undead.
Okay question. How do the armies of Morder lose the Seige of Minas Tirith? They have 9/10 most powerful dark warriors in Middle Earth and the largest army ever assembled vs Gandalf and 2000 men from Gondor and 2000 riders from Rohan.

Get your shit together Sauron!! Seriously!
Okay question. How do the armies of Morder lose the Seige of Minas Tirith? They have 9/10 most powerful dark warriors in Middle Earth and the largest army ever assembled vs Gandalf and 2000 men from Gondor and 2000 riders from Rohan.

Get your shit together Sauron!! Seriously!
I enjoy being alone more than I enjoy being with people,  it gives me something more, I don't quite know what, but I get something. I get a sense of wellbeing, knowing people and who they are, their memories from the time I met them 'til the time I loved them. They're always there, the people I know and love, unspoilt, unedited, pure, gleaming, beautiful. I know people change, they develop, evolve if you will. We all change, I change, I have changed. But people I love, I love for a reason and those reasons pass with knowing and experiencing life. It changes an ideal and memory of 'Those people will never be that, they'll never be what I dislike and dispise' Never allowing myself to witness and experience that change never gives me tha bitter disappointment of seeing someone become something, someone, an idea you hate. A life style you hate. I'm alone through choice, because I know that people change and change terrifies me, especially when it corrupts something I adore and admire.
I can see myself being niave, as everyone changes, I know that, I accept that, but I dislike it. It's temptation of corruption. I feel people should resist it and never change, just to have an ideal, whether it's known or unknown, in mind. Do I expect people to resist change solely for my peace of mind? Am I that selfish?
  • Watching: Red Bull Stratos… If anyone wants to see something amazing and insane, watch this. Watch a man fall from space and break the sound barrier with his body.
  • Listening to: Slipknot
If sins were a broadway play, these seven would play out as such
Anger would be the high energy, high stepping opening number
Vanity would be the duet between the leading stars, all in the spotlight with no one else on stage
Lust would be the 'orgy' number
Greed would be the solo number for the villian
Gluttonly would feature wayy too much dancing
Sloth would be another boring ballad
All of these would have a lot of black and red spot lights shining, velvet curtains flying around from the jet engine fans blowing shit all over and glittery staircases that are a little too high and lead to nowhere

The songs seem a little risque, the dancers would show a little too much pussy and cock and the marque maids attached to the project would be the mucical equivilant of spam and nutmeg

Envy's number would be the only shining star in the show because it would go completely over people heads.
It would have to be the duet between the Villain and the Hero but it would slowly morph into an ensemble piece that involves everyone and it would have to be written in such a way that you would not know who was who because both the Hero and the Villian suffer the 'sin' of Envy. The Villian envies the Hero because he gets the girl, the Hero envies the Villian because he can have whatever he wants. The girl envies the Villian because he's a little bit bad.
The chorus line envies the core cast because they get their name in the playbill, the dancers envy the chorus line because they do more than just dance. Meanwhile the audience envies everyone on stage because they're in a broadway show.

So Envy would have to be the closing number because it would be the thing that ties us all together at the end of the night. That is the time of the day where Envy hits you where you live, we all go back to where we came from and the whole time we're wondering what everyine else is doing and Envying the mystery of their exploits.
It is no mystery that our fantasies are always greater than the sum of all of their realities but we still pine for their lives, while nextdoor, your neighbour pines for yours and so on and so on

- Corey Taylor