Deaths-Lament

Tonight is the first night I feel terrible

Do you guys believe in signs and coincidences or is there something that guides us, even if it's ourselves? We get a thought in our heads and connect it to an object, or person or event and until we complete the idea or see the person, we can't have what we want. 

because I may start believing in that, to some small extent anyway. Let me explain; A few days ago I began just thinking about random shit while I was out with my friend just hanging out and I realised I hadn't seen my dad in like a month and just began thinking of that and that I should go see him that night. I wasn't able to because I was out with my friends. Anyway, got to that night and he text me about how he hadn't seen me in ages and just asking how I was etc. The next day I lost the ring my dad gave me and my mind just kind of exploded with this paranoia or some sign kinda stuff about how it was a sign I should go see him and talk to him more. I remember thinking that if I went and saw him and the ring showed up I was gonna flip out. Well yeah, I waited a few days to see if the ring would turn up and I checked everywhere. I think it was Wednesday when I finally went and seen my dad, had dinner, caught up and hung out for a while and then Thursday afternoon my ring showed up in the pockets of my jeans. 

So that's where my mind's at. It's not the first time it's happened, I've had necklaces break that people have given me and then the friendships have ended or I've stopped caring about people when a bracelet's been broken. Dunno where my mind's been at lately, between addictions and fantasy and other crap I just don't know. Life eh?

I want to set my hair alight; is that weird?
 -Yes, like you even have to ask 
Well why?
 -Why what? Why is it weird or why do you want to set your hair alight?
Both I guess
 -Pick one and proceed, we don't have too much time. You already kept me awake 'til nearly 3am
Sorry, why is it weird?
 -You already know the answer to that
Yeah I guess, just wanted a second opinion I guess
 -You're talking to yourself, how many other opinions do you think you have?
I'm usually good at defeating my own arguments
 -Stop being the poet; 
I'm trying. Can I ask the other question then?
 -Sorry kiddo, one question and you wasted it
Recorded at 2:43am

I keep forgetting how to ask myself easy questions like, why? Who reads and who listens to the beat without grasping anything. Click-two-three-four, Click-two-three-four, Click-Click-Click. (I never could count in time)

if I could be an incalculably small fraction of the human being you are, I'll die the happiest person in the world. I really love you and I hope you know it because I will probably never tell you and that breaks my goddamn heart everyday

I actually enjoy depression (or whatever this is called; self reflection, emotional masochism, boredom) sometimes anyway. It gives me a little time to just relax, put on a slow song, relax and not be questioned (or maybe that's because it's 3am and no one else is awake) 

If I could be anything that you ever are, the self-less person that you are, hell I'm even glad to be a part of this; I just hope I don't fuck it up and disappoint you. I hope I can tell you that one day. I never did believe in god, but I'm happy you do. Guess I take some comfort in believing that life isn't just a test. (I should get a medal for quoting and remembering silly things. Hey, remember the time you spelled "medal" as "meddle". With you here I'm surprised I forget anything) 

I like to dream about where you are in the world, what you're doing and who you hang about with when you're too busy with work. Who do you think of when you first wake up? What little thoughts trickle through you in that sleep filled phase of waking to up somewhere that feels a little different than when you left it to place you head in the stars. Too much noise, slightly too warm, a little too cold. 

Guess that's enough for tonight. 

I'm convinced that by some emotional response that I blank out within your existence. Tonight I won't remember the glances, the paranoid, destructive eye line stares we catch each other in; tonight I won't remember anything.
Sometimes I sit and stare at the sun just to know that in a grand scheme, I mean nothing and if I mean nothing, that means you are even less to me

Darkness tangles with devils and abbeys to convince me of a sweet epiphany that I am not happy in my being

How many hours have have passed since we last had a passing memorial dream that we, somewhere, somehow, could have something more than a radical dream of a friend lost in his heart and a maniac spiraling through a masochists dream.

You came out with a better sense of what you are; the devils and darkness I left you in formed a beautiful nightmare that I stopped caring for. You were the worst mistake I have ever made.

I wonder how many chances I could have had if you never existed; if I was never broken and never quite realised who or what I could be, what would I be now?

Sometimes I sit and dream. I sit and stare at the stars of my mind and listen to space explode; there are an infinite number of possibilities that I could be, but I guess I'll settle for being a supernova. If I can't cut you out, maybe I'll cut me out instead.


Sometimes I drive nails into my mind. Sometimes I let the blood drip onto pages.

This is such an amazing song that I couldn't not share it. I need my Girl - The National www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OsHln…